Motherhood

Sigh.....Motherhood is....Motherhood is  the hardest, most wearing, tiring, never ending job I have ever done. Its always at the end of the day that the guilt sets in. When they are asleep, you look at their sweet innocence and remember just how blessed you are. You also realize just how hard on them you were that day. Its so easy and clear to know exactly how you should and want to be as a Mother when you are not in the middle of it. Even when you have a conversation about a certain situation with other mothers, its easy to clearly know how it should be handled. Yet, that same situation could happen with your kids the next day and you could completely flip out because emotions, fatigue, a mood swing might just get in the way. I hate so badly knowing how I should be mothering, but feeling like I fail miserably everyday because of mood swings, fatigue, PMS, etc... I do have good days, but most I feel I regret atleast something I said or did. I want to be a perfect mother more than anything right now. I want my children to feel loved, valued, listened to, safe to open up, etc... sigh....I just hope I can get to a point where I can make them feel all of these things before its too late. I try so hard. I just wish I was different. I want to be better. I guess I need to keep praying for help.

Such a Good Birthday

Growing up, I remember when my parents turned 30 and thinking they were getting up there. Then they turned 40 and I really thought they were getting old. Now at 35, I realize, I am still young. I have such a long life yet to live and so much to learn and to getter better at. I have to admit, 35 bugs me a little, but oh well. Its just a number. I feel younger than that. Time goes by so quickly. Its amazing and sad.
So today was interesting because having a birthday on a Sunday, and on a dat when it rained all day isnt my idea of the perfect day. That being said, it turned out to be one of the best. Spencer surprised me with a new dress lastnight for church, which is way pretty. He also surprised me with probably the best surprise I have had. So I havent been able to find ny wedding ring since March. I thought I dropped it in the car. But after looking and looking, I had no luck. I was discouraged, but I was still hopeful that I would find it. I prayed a lot to find it. I became more and more worried that I would never see it again as time went by. Well, lastnight Spencer gave me a little bag. I couldnt see because I already turned the lights off to go to bed. I was feeling it and went to turn the bathroom light on to see what it possibly could be. Well, come to find out, he found my ring in his car. Before the day I wore it, I had lost a small diamond out of it and the prongs needed some help. He said he saw that it was in such bad shape, so he took it in to get fixed. It looks brandnew! I was so surprised, grateful, and happy! So even before this morning, I was happy. I wore my new dress and ring ofcourse to church. I enjoyed teaching my class. Sacrament was a little rough, but whats new. Relief Society was a great reminder of how I need to become a better scripture reader and how important it is. Spencer was able to come home this afternoon. He made me a yummy salmon dinner, and Marian brought a cake and had lunch with us. My Mom and Dad Slade came down because Kaylese flew to Idaho to visit Aubree with Donette and Ryland and Tyrik had stayed overnight with my Dad for their birthdays. So they brought them back and went with us to the older kids piano recital. They all played so well. Chavonne made a cake and brought it there for me too. Then afterwards. My Mom and Dad came to the house to sing to me before they left. Then the whole family sat on the back deck and watched lighting and listened to thunder, which was awesome! Alyson and Chavonne stopped by with gifts afterwards and more chocolate. Then, my Grandma Slade called me to end my great day. Not to forget all the sweet messages, phone calls and posts from friends and family. I have always loved my birthday and today was no different. Spencer did so great making it special.
Friday night was so fun. Alyson, Amy, Chavonne and I went down to the Bank(Tracy & Marian's building) and watched "Moms Night Out", which was perfect for our lives right now. We ate yummy food, visited and looked at pictures of each other growing up. I had the best time. I loved it, in fact! I am so grateful to have such good friends. Its such a blessing. I was able to sneak down to the temple this week and do sealings, which was such a great blessing. I spent the day with Spencer Thursday, and got to grocery shop with Chavonne Friday. I know, I got spoiled. I loved every minute :). I need to be honest. I have struggled a lot lately, feeling like maybe something is wrong with me. I dont have a lot of energy, I struggle to accomplish things that used to be easy. I cant focus on hardly anything. I feel like I have "brain fog" most of the time. Yes, its a real thing. Anyhow. I am going to the Dr. Tuesday just to get my thyroid levels, hormone levels, and whatever else I need checked to make sure nothing is off. I hope things get better. We will see. Spencer and I have also had our struggles lately, but I am grateful for Gods hand in our lives. He cares and wants to help us. I can see it. I know we will pull through. I am grateful for the strength God gives me. I better go. Baylor is crying. Until next time.